March often feels like a beginning.

Not in the loud, “new year, new you” way — but in a quieter sense that something is shifting. Softening. Re-emerging.

I have been feeling this deeply in my own life. This past season, stepping into being a mother of three, has been a season of creation in its most intimate form. Now, as Spring emerges, I sense a gentle shift within myself — a turning outward, toward creating again through words, ideas, and connection.

That subtle, internal feeling towards intentional growth — not by forcing momentum, but by making space — is exactly what we’re exploring right now in our new chapter of Selves Unedited. My colleague Dr. Danielle Colborn and I dive into a simple but powerful question:

What do you want to make room for in your life right now?

Because growth isn’t only about adding more.
Sometimes it’s about clearing space.

The Mental Space We Don’t Realize We’re Losing

Many of the people we work with — especially those struggling with high achievement, body image and/or eating concerns, or perfectionism — describe a kind of cognitive exhaustion.

So much mental energy goes toward:

• What am I going to eat?

• How do I look?

• What are they thinking about me?

• Did I say the wrong thing?

• Am I falling behind?

• Is this/am I good enough

It can feel normal because it’s familiar.

But over time, this constant internal monitoring shrinks your life. It crowds out creativity. Presence. Spontaneity. Connection.

When your attention is captured by self-criticism or control, there’s very little room left for joy.

The Illusion of Control

Often, these patterns begin as protection.

Preoccupation with food or weight can feel like:

• Structure

• Safety

• Certainty

• A way to manage anxiety

Perfectionism can feel like discipline.
Self-criticism can feel like motivation.
Avoidance can feel like self-preservation.

But over time, what once felt protective becomes restrictive.

Fear begins to dictate your choices.

You stay small.
You avoid risk.
You don’t apply, create, initiate, or speak up — just in case.

Fear Shrinks. Healing Expands.

In this episode, we talk about how fear often arises to protect us from rejection, judgment, or failure.

But meaningful living almost always requires tolerating some discomfort.

Going after your dream.
Having the hard conversation.
Letting yourself be seen.

Healing isn’t about achieving the perfect mindset before you begin.

It’s about creating space.

More space between you and the thought.
More space between fear and your behavior.
More space for your values to lead.

A Different Question

Instead of asking:

“How do I fix myself?”

Try asking:

What do I want more of?

More connection?
More creativity?
More ease?
More honesty?
More rest?

And then gently ask:

What is currently taking up the space that could belong to those things?

Listen to the Episode

In this season opener of Selves Unedited, we explore:

• Body image and cognitive overload

• Perfectionism and fear of judgment

• The psychology of control

• ACT-informed perspectives on values-based living

• Healing as expansion, not self-improvement

We hope you’ll listen and join our conversation.

You can listen here on Apple Podcasts:

And here on Spotify:

Growth isn’t about becoming someone new.

It may be about clearing enough space to return to who you’ve always been — underneath the noise.

New Format

This season, we’re trying something new! Instead of monthly episodes, we’ll release a longer deep dive into a major topic each month, accompanied by weekly episodes designed as guideposts to help us stay connected to what matters most to us, week by week. Let us know what you think!

Help Us Spread The Word!

If this episode resonates with you, would you consider leaving a rating or review? It truly makes a difference in helping others discover the podcast.

And if you think someone in your life might benefit from this conversation, feel free to share it with them. These discussions grow through word of mouth, and your support helps us continue this work.

Thank you for being part of this community — it means more than you know.

When I was in high school, I watched bright, hardworking students crumble under relentless pressure to achieve — not just to perform, but to overperform. All the time.

I attended an elite college-prep school where a large majority of our 66-person class self-reported taking medication for clinical anxiety and depression. The stress level was constantly high and toxic. We all went on to attend prestigious colleges and universities, yet I remember thinking: If the so-called “winners” of our education system are this broken, then something is deeply flawed with the system itself.

Even as a teenager, I sensed that the framework we were operating within was not just demanding but damaging. That conviction, in part, led me to become a clinical psychologist. I wanted the training and credibility to better understand and speak to the costs of a culture that pushes young people to extremes in the name of “merit,” all in pursuit of better odds, more prestigious schools, increased status and connections, and seemingly greater life opportunities. In moderation, this may be motivating and inspiring. But when those opportunities come at the expense of mental and physical health, they are not simply unsustainable—they are harmful.

Data support this observation. Studies of students in high-achieving schools have found elevated rates of depression, anxiety, rule-breaking, and substance use. These rates are not only significantly higher than national norms, but in the case of substance misuse, also exceed those found among youth in urban poverty. A 2018 report by the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation identified the intense pressure to achieve—common in relatively affluent communities—as one of the most critical “high-risk” environments, alongside poverty, trauma, and discrimination/racism. Longitudinal research has also found that students from high-achieving schools report poorer long-term outcomes in terms of emotional well-being, self-concept, and educational expectations compared to peers at lower-achieving schools. (Source: National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine. 2019. Vibrant and Healthy Kids: Aligning Science, Practice, and Policy to Advance Health Equity. Washington, DC: The National Academies Press. https://doi.org/10.17226/25466.)

Importantly, it is not only the intense high-achievers and “winners” that bear the cost of a merit-obsessed society. In my Meaning Vs. Merit podcast episode, Balancing Meaning and Merit in Our Current Economy, renowned economist Dr. Fred Bergsten emphasized that even with higher education degrees and persistent effort, many individuals fail to achieve upward mobility in today’s economy despite extreme toil and effort. Instead, they land in the lower or middle tiers of the labor market, where wages have stagnated and costs continue to rise. Understandably, many feel disheartened and angry when hard work fails to yield the promised American Dream. Similarly, students and adults whose efforts are not rewarded often give up and stop trying at all.

Despite these cultural, economic, and sociological dynamics, our meritocratic system continues to promote and reward extreme, often unhealthy efforts to achieve. Elite institutions highlight impressive social networks and higher average salaries among their graduates—suggesting financial success and increased social status that will prove a game changer throughout students’ lives and be worth all the extreme effort to gain entrance into these exclusive clubs. Yet gaining entrance is becoming increasingly difficult, as these same schools invest heavily in marketing to attract more and more applicants without expanding their class sizes — choosing exclusivity over accessibility. In an effort to gain access, privileged families pour immense resources into enhancing their children’s chances of admission, with some estimates suggesting that the investment required to gain a leg up rivals a portfolio that would yield $10 million in the stock market.

The early-age meritocratic game has even entered the world of finance. Venture capitalists are funding companies that specialize in elite admissions consulting—such as one profiled in The Wall Street Journal with the headline, “The Guru Who Says He Can Get Your 11-Year-Old Into Harvard.” That the Journal gave this story prominent placement reflects a cultural assumption: its readership—often part of the educated elite—aspires to have their children become the next generation of the educated elite.

Such developments point to a larger transformation in the nature of meritocracy—one that, in practice, scholars argue has begun to mirror a caste system. As author David Brooks argues in The Atlantic in "How the Ivy League Broke America," individuals are divided early on by class and test scores. Those deemed as gifted, extraordinary, or “Special” are elevated and celebrated. Meanwhile, as Daniel Markovits argues in The Meritocracy Trap, the wealthy provide their children with increased opportunities to become extraordinary — effectively turning “merit” into a vehicle for inherited privilege. The result is a self-perpetuating system that intensifies inequality while exhausting those it claims to reward.

Despite these criticisms, some scholars are advocating to promote Merit, Excellence, and Intelligence (M.E.I.) initiatives (e.g., Dr. Roland Fryer, who recently made such an argument in a Wall Street Journal article). This may sound appealing and have may justifications. Yet it also risks further entrenching merit-obsession—a cultural tendency that ties self-worth to achievement and leaves even the “successful” feeling burnt-out, disillusioned, and terrified of falling behind.

Thus, if M.E.I. initiatives are promoted, several questions must be addressed, including:

• Will it benefit everyone, not just the people deemed to have the most merit, excellence, and intelligence?

• How will we define “merit,” “excellence,” and “intelligence”? As Howard Gardner’s theory of multiple intelligences reminds us, intelligence is not monolithic. Yet widely used IQ measures such as the WAIS or, for children, the WISC, focus narrowly on verbal comprehension, working memory, perceptual reasoning, and processing speed. Will these metrics determine our professional, social, and economic standing?

• What about other human capacities? We are more than our test scores. Narrow definitions of merit risk crowding out important traits such as social and emotional intelligence, passion, creativity, ingenuity, resilience, grit, determination, and empathy—traits that sustain families, communities, and institutions.

• Will MEI initiatives support innovation and adaptability? When the focus is on proving one’s intelligence or credentials, individuals may default to “playing the game”—cramming for tests or tailoring résumés—instead of developing the creativity and adaptability that a complex, fast-changing world requires.

• Can we still build meaningful lives? Focusing so much on merit and excellence risks overshadowing the importance of creating a fulfilling life, potentially driving work-related stress at the expense of mental health and well-being. It is also worth considering whether constant striving for merit may conflict with life goals such as parenting or community-building.

If our society equates our worth with merit and intelligence, we not only risk alienating those who can’t, or won’t, play the game, but we also fail the very people who are supposedly succeeding. A truly healthy society is not one that simply identifies the top performers and hands them disproportionate rewards. It is one that ensures all individuals, regardless of background or test score, have the opportunity to thrive and live lives of purpose, meaning, and well-being.

Education is often hailed as the great equalizer, yet extensive research shows that the playing field in the United States is far from level. In this episode of Meaning vs. Merit, I sit down with Dr. Rachel Pfeifer to discuss how schools — driven by test scores, rankings, and the relentless chase for “merit”— are shaping young people’s mental health, identity, and sense of worth.

I’ve been reflecting on merit and meritocracy in the context of education for years, and I’m so grateful to share this conversation with Dr. Pfeifer. We’ve known each other since high school, when we were close friends navigating the intense pressures of a high-achieving, college-prep environment. Since then, her path has taken her deep into the education system — from teaching fourth grade in the Mississippi Delta to leading college access programs and overseeing school strategy in a large urban district. She’s now my go-to expert on education, having worked within the system, critiqued and reshaped it — and, as a parent, had to navigate its complexities firsthand.

As national conversations about the Department of Education and school choice gain momentum, I hope this episode offers useful context about how our educational system is both supporting and failing students, how school choice could impact the landscape, and the complex role meritocracy plays in all of it.

One of my biggest takeaways from our discussion echoes what I hear so often from students and parents (and what I experienced myself): our schools often reward performance over learning, and outcome over process. When that becomes the norm, students start to define their worth by grades, test scores, extracurricular accolades, and resume lines — long before they have a chance to discover who they even are.

I hope you find this episode as thought-provoking and illuminating as I did. If it resonates with you, please rate, review, and share it with others who have kids/teens in school or simply care about the future of education in America.

Here are a few additional points we discuss:

The Illusion of Meritocracy

We are sold the idea that if you work hard (e.g., in school, at work, etc.) you’ll get ahead. But what happens when that promise doesn’t hold? When structural inequalities, access gaps, and resource disparities quietly rig the game?

“Merit” starts to become a euphemism for privilege. And that dissonance doesn’t just hurt the kids who are excluded — it distorts the values of those who are excelling within the system, too.

Achievement at What Cost?

Dr. Pfeifer and I also explored the mental health toll of today’s education culture. The intense focus on being productive, efficient, and “always on” shows up earlier and earlier in kids’ lives. We now hear elementary school students using phrases like “maximizing their output” or “optimizing their time.”

It’s no wonder so many students struggle with anxiety, burnout, and perfectionism before they even reach adulthood.

What Could School Look Like Instead?

We discussed possible alternatives — related to both policy and mindset. What if school became less about proving worth and more about cultivating curiosity? What if success wasn’t a narrow funnel but a broader invitation?

It’s not a simple fix, but Dr. Pfeifer shared examples of promising changes: more authentic assessments, relational teaching, and parental engagement focused on well-being over competition. Above all, she emphasized the importance of making room for meaning—not just merit.

🎧 Listen to the Full Conversation

If these questions resonate with you—whether you’re a parent, educator, student, or simply someone trying to make sense of how we define success—I hope you’ll take the time to listen.

What do you think? Are you feeling the pressure of meritocracy in your own life or community? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

Leave a comment

If your kid has ADHD and struggles with writing, you’re not alone. Many parents have recently reached out for help on this topic, which is what inspired me to pull together some of my thoughts here. Writing is a complex, multi-step process that can be especially challenging for students with ADHD. It requires planning, organizing, sequencing, and prioritizing thoughts — all executive functioning skills that can be difficult to access, especially under stress. Add anxious or negative thoughts into the mix, and it's no wonder the writing process can grind to a halt.

But there are ways to make writing more manageable. Here are a few strategies that can reduce overwhelm and help your kid start (and finish) assignments with more ease.

1. Break Writing Into Manageable Chunks

Start small. Really small.

If outlining an entire essay or chapter is too overwhelming, try outlining just the first paragraph. Even within that, focus on identifying a main idea or jotting down a few related points. The goal is to keep the task from feeling overwhelming. Progress builds confidence.

2. Use a Visual Timer (and Keep Work Time Short)

A visual timer can provide structure and reduce open-ended anxiety. You can use built-in timers on iPads or Macs, or download one of the many visual timer apps. Set a short, focused work period — 25 minutes is a common starting point — followed by a 5-minute break. After a few rounds of this, they get a longer break (e.g., 30 min). This is often called the Pomodoro method, and it’s easily adjustable to suit your child’s needs.

If one chunk feels too hard during that time? Skip it and try another one next round. The goal isn’t perfection or even completion — it’s forward motion.

3. Use One Page or Document Per Paragraph

Looking at a blank page and imagining a whole essay can be discouraging. Consider having your child use a separate document or sheet of paper for each paragraph. Focusing on one small section at a time helps reduce visual overwhelm and the pressure to fill the page.

4. Try Different Ways to Get Ideas Out

If typing feels like a barrier, let your child try handwriting, talking through ideas with someone, or even using a voice recorder to capture thoughts. Sometimes removing the pressure to write in the traditional sense helps unlock ideas and get the creative process moving.

5. Submit Work in Stages

Consider asking the teacher whether your child can submit work in smaller parts, such as an outline first. Some teachers are open to reviewing outlines and helping students flesh out their ideas before a full draft is due.

If the teacher isn’t available for this, a tutor or school learning center might be. Submitting work in stages not only builds momentum, it helps reduce the anxiety that can come from staring down a big assignment all at once.

6. Get support from a tutor or executive function coach

Many of my clients with ADHD report a noticeable improvement in their mood and anxiety once they have consistent support with learning and homework. Managing academic tasks on their own can feel daunting — especially when anxiety, overwhelm, and perfectionism lead to procrastination. This often spirals into negative, insecure thinking that only makes getting started harder.

A skilled tutor or executive function coach can provide structure, accountability, and strategies to help students organize both their thoughts and their time. When it comes to writing, for instance, students might benefit from submitting one paragraph at a time rather than tackling the entire essay at once. Breaking the process down with someone supportive can reduce overwhelm and build momentum.

If your child is open to experimenting with a few of these ideas, they might just find writing a little easier — and a lot less overwhelming. If you're navigating similar challenges, know that you're not alone, and that with the right support, writing can become less overwhelming.

I’d love to hear what’s worked for you or your child — feel free to share your experiences or tips in the comments. Let’s keep learning from one another!

Leave a comment

That changed when I met Dr. Julia Colangelo, a Flow expert whose take on the subject was refreshingly simple, grounded, and human. I invited her to join me on this month’s Meaning vs. Merit podcast to unpack what Flow really is and how we can cultivate more of it — especially in a world so obsessed with productivity, performance, and external validation.

To start us off, Dr. Julia described Flow as:

“A state of consciousness where you are performing at your highest level, where you are naturally in your strengths, in your gifts, and you're lacking that usual - for most of us - self-doubt. So you're self-assured. You know that you're moving in the right direction. It’s a neurological experience, but over time, it’s also something you start to feel in this integrated way — even in your conversations.”

As she spoke, I realized how different this understanding of Flow is from the way many of us have been conditioned to think about achievement and success. We’re often taught that peak performance comes from relentless effort — from grinding, hustling, and constantly pushing ourselves to do more, be more, achieve more. But what struck me most in our conversation was how radically different Flow is from what hustle culture teaches us.

Flow isn’t about pushing harder or doing more. In fact, Dr. Julia notes: “If you chase peak performance every day, you’ll inevitably burn out. Most of us need between one and two days a week — but not seven days a week.”

And perhaps just as importantly, Flow isn’t about proving yourself. It’s about connecting to yourself and immersing yourself in work, creativity, caregiving, or play that feels inspiring to you - so completely that the need to impress anyone else quietly fades away.

In Flow, you’re not chasing merit badges. You’re not performing for status or angling for applause. Flow invites us to trade hustle for meaning. It reconnects us to what truly matters — not what looks good on a résumé.

Fortunately, Dr. Julia shared that Flow doesn’t require a sabbatical or a silent retreat. It might look like:

• A three-hour window on a quiet Sunday afternoon

• A solo walk in the rain

• A playlist that activates your senses

• A project you dive into purely for the joy of it

How we tap into flow is deeply personal and incredibly flexible, and she provides tips on understanding our activators and indicators of flow.

And perhaps most importantly, Flow is regenerative. Maybe that’s why it matters now more than ever.

As we navigate economic uncertainty, political tension, and environmental crises, so many of us feel too overwhelmed to even consider Flow. But Dr. Julia offers a powerful reframe: When life is most chaotic is when we need Flow the most. Not to escape, but to reconnect — to ourselves, to presence, to clarity, to creativity.

If you’ve been feeling like you’re falling behind, or not doing enough, or not Special enough… consider this:

Maybe you’ve just been chasing the wrong kind of Special.

I hope you’ll listen to the full episode (below). If you enjoy it, please remember to share it with friends, let us know your thoughts, and rate and review it!

There’s a lure many of us fall for throughout our lives—the lure of the intoxicating. The extraordinary. The stunning. The desire to dazzle others with our own Specialness.

I hear it from my clients all the time: the possibility of impressing their date, peer, boss, teacher, spouse, etc. — it can feel irresistible. There’s something compelling about being the person who surprises others by being extraordinary. It reassures us that we have value and something to contribute to our tribe, which offers us a sense of safety.

But after the glamor and the glory, it often leaves us hollow. That’s what I hear about most often from my high-achieving, perfectionist clients: the emptiness. A quiet but consuming loneliness. You’ve climbed the Specialness summit, only to realize you’re up there alone—terrified of falling, and yearning for connection.

True connection, it turns out, is rarely found at the pinnacle of Specialness and being better than others.

Yet so many of us continue performing, dazzling, and trying to reach or stay on that pedestal. And in the process, we trade connection for fleeting validation. Around and around we can go our whole lives, exchanging glory for emptiness, hollowness for more glamour.

With summer approaching, my mind recently wandered from this Specialness trap to memories of the cool, clear Greek waters of the Aegean—a relief from the heavy heat. Being half-Greek, I spent my childhood summers in Greece, often visiting some of its most treasured places. Although each one is special in its own way, there are two I often revisit mentally when I need to escape.

One memory is from the island of Mykonos, well-known for its iconic white buildings against an endless blue sky and sea. We stayed at a beautiful resort when it had just opened and was still securing its identity before becoming the playground of the glitterati.

More than anything, I was captured by the awe-inspiring views. White against blue can have the most calming effect and produce great breaths of life and sighs of relief. It was simply beautiful.

The second memory is from Corfu. If you haven’t been, I hope you get to go someday. The image at the top of this post is from there. During our stay, those sunsets were a daily event—each one magical.

But what left an indelible impression on me — perhaps even more than the view — was an experience we had at a small boutique hotel we stumbled upon during a walk. We weren’t staying there. We just wandered in, drawn by its charm. A caretaker welcomed us, gave us a tour, and invited us to enjoy breakfast — on the house. It was possibly the best breakfast I’ve ever had. The yogurt with honey? Unforgettable — even by Greek standards.

The caretaker sat with us and told us about the island, answered the many questions we had, and took care of us like his own personal guest.

The hotel was beautiful, but it was not a resort for the glitterati. It didn’t sparkle with models and fancy yachts parked outside. It had heart. The caretaker went out of his way to do whatever he could to help us have a meaningful and memorable experience on the island. It was how he treated us and how I ended up feeling emotionally that stood out to me and made this hotel the place I most long to return to.

I don’t share these memories to compare them, for comparison is one of the biggest cognitive traps we can fall into. It fuels all-or-nothing thinking and breeds insecurity. Rather, my hope is to share each of their unique offerings.

The luxury resort in Mykonos is stunning. The nature was breathtaking, the food indulgent. Its goal is to come across as Special and help its guests both feel Special and create unforgettable memories reserved for the few. Sometimes this will be the summer experience that hits the spot and offers a much needed recharge after a burnt-out, exhausting few months or years.

And then there’s the boutique hotel in Corfu that captured my heart. The experience was personal. It was the connection with the caretaker that was special, not just the view, food, or money and effort thrown at something to make it look Special. In just a couple hours over breakfast, I felt seen, appreciated, and fully taken care of. We and our unplanned visit were worth 2 hours of his precious time. It was an experience that continues to recharge me and calls my heart to return.

The appeal of Specialness surrounds us constantly: Be perfect. Be amazing. Become the unattainable.

The unspoken message? This will elevate you in others’ eyes. It will define your worth. You need this to succeed socially and rise in status.

And yet, the great irony of Specialness is this: The more we chase it by external metrics — impressiveness, beauty, prestige — the further we drift from the moments that are actually meaningful and most memorable.

Specialness, ultimately, isn’t created by being seen as better than others. It is about deeply connecting with each other and joining together in our beautiful, messy, and imperfect humanness.

Economic anxiety has been widespread in the United States. A 2024 study by the American Psychiatric Association found that 77% of adults were anxious about the economy, with 63% worried about paying bills. In 2023, an American Psychological Association study revealed the number of adults ages 18 to 44 that rated the economy as a significant stressor had increased over 38% since 2019.

These financial insecurities are of particular importance to psychologists, because they are known to adversely affect mental health. I have seen this in my clinical practice and it may be obvious: prioritizing well-being and affording mental health care become more challenging when we worry about comfortably meeting our financial obligations and maintaining economic stability for ourselves and our families.

As our nation strives to resolve ongoing mental health crises, understanding and addressing these economic insecurities is a crucial step toward meaningful progress.

To gain deeper insight into the elements of the economy contributing to the rise in economic anxiety and stress, I sat down with one of the nation’s leading economists, Dr. Fred Bergsten, for a fascinating conversation in this podcast episode. He argued that the current state of the United States economy is very strong. Yet statistical aggregates can overlook our individual experiences, which have been notably negative about the economy for some time now.

Dr. Bergsten indicated there is a bipolarization of the labor force, describing it as moving towards two extremes, “where professional or economic success requires either very high education and training or not much at all.” He detailed that even with the best of hustle and effort or with a bachelor’s or graduate degree, many people do not achieve upward economic mobility or make it to the top. Instead, they land either at the lower end of the labor force or in the middle, where family incomes have largely stagnated over the past few decades (as costs have risen).

This bipolarization of the labor force and stagnated middle class reflect a critical shift from the upward economic mobility that the United States previously enjoyed. It is true the playing field has been uneven, opportunities have not been accessible to many Americans, and privilege has played a significant role in both achieving and maintaining top ranks in society. Still, our nation has long had a reputation as the “land of opportunity,” and the American Dream and meritocratic notion that hard work brings financial rewards is still etched into our social narrative. Yet contemporary analysts argue that globalization, AI, and increased access to education have changed the landscape for upward mobility, creating a disconnect between the American Dream narrative and many people’s financial realities.

Dr. Bergsten detailed that this mismatch has led many to feel they are losing out on the status, income, and opportunities they expected, leaving them unable to fulfill their lifelong aspirations.

It is no wonder so many Americans feel down and anxious about the economy. Working hard towards a life dream only to discover it is no longer attainable is disheartening. Applying an outdated formula such as, ‘work hard to achieve greater financial security’ – a message I continually hear teachers, parents and even our presidents promote – only to find oneself not quite good enough for these rewards is anxiety-provoking and depressing.

By definition, most people cannot be at the top. When economic prizes are primarily reserved for those at the top, it reinforces the extremes rather than the moderation we promote in gold-standard mental health treatments. Within the walls of therapy, individuals detail their extreme perfectionism, overworking, and excessive striving are driven by the pressure to achieve financial stability or upward mobility. Others have given up trying all-together. Many abuse substances aimed at enhancing work performance and helping them cope with their increased financial stress. Feelings of despair and insecurity take over when financial stability and opportunity are still out of reach despite all efforts.

Struggling, anxious, and discouraged individuals do not generally flourish or fulfill their potential. This, in turn, can negatively impact productivity and innovation – some of the bedrocks of the American economy, and contribute further to our mental health crises. As the government focuses on the economy, recognizing its profound impact on mental health can reshape lives, communities, and our very well-being.

Listen to the full podcast here:

This week on Meaning vs. Merit, I sat down with changemaker Saahil Mishra—an 18-year-old tackling one of today’s biggest challenges—social media and teen well-being.

Saahil founded Unwiring after a powerful realization: despite messaging a friend every day, he had no idea they were struggling with severe anxiety and depression—until they met in person. From there, he launched a movement. His nonprofit now is dedicated to educating and empowering young people on responsible social media use, and he’s working to make digital spaces healthier for the next generation. Some of the exciting things he has accomplished:
🔹 Met with high-level government officials, policymakers, and platforms like Meta to advocate for safer, healthier digital spaces
🔹 Hosted a youth summit featuring top researchers
🔹 Led workshops on responsible media use

Saahil describes his philosophy as seek meaning first, and let merit follow. His story is a powerful example of how passion and purpose can drive real change—even at an early age. And one of my favorite quotes of his:

In our conversation, we discuss:
💡 Why prioritizing meaning over merit has led to his biggest successes
💡 The real reason social media feels addictive
💡 His advice for teens and parents navigating the digital world

You won't want to miss it!
🎧 Listen now
💭 And let us know what you think - Can we design a better digital future?

And if you like our show, please rate, review it, and share it with your friends!

A few years back, I had the privilege of attending a family alumni camp hosted by Stanford University, where I experienced moments that left a lasting impact. One such moment was a serendipitous encounter with Dan Klein, a captivating camp speaker who teaches at Stanford's Business School, Drama Department, and Design School.

During dinner with my family, we found ourselves sharing a table with Dan. The conversation was electric, fueled by Dan's contagious spark. Dan inspired me, and I was eager to learn his insights on how he navigated life with such energy and enthusiasm.

Fast forward to today: I'm thrilled to share the launch of my podcast, where I had the honor of interviewing Dan Klein. In our conversation, Dan shared invaluable wisdom on the power of showing up, saying yes, and navigating through perfectionism and fear of failure. In this inaugural episode, Dan offers pearls of wisdom on finding a legacy that we can embody each day, not just leave behind. I invite you to listen in and discover the transformative power of saying yes and following your inspiration.

This is the first of many Meaning Vs Merit episodes, aimed at exploring the delicate balance between ambition and leading a purposeful life. In today's social and economic landscape, where the pursuit of merit often overshadows the quest for meaning, this topic is especially relevant for me as a clinical psychologist. Through insightful interviews with guests from diverse fields, I'm on a mission to uncover fresh perspectives and practical strategies for navigating the nuanced interplay between meaning and merit.

I hope you enjoy this inaugural episode with Dan Klein! Please let us know in the comments section. And if you'd like to be notified about our future podcast episodes, please connect with me here on LinkedIn or subscribe on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Live Your Legacy with Stanford's Dan Klein

Summary: To launch our podcast Meaning Vs Merit, Dr. Maria-Christina interviews Dan Klein, faculty member in the Drama Department, Business School, and Design School at Stanford University, about living your legacy. Dan shares his journey into the world of improv and illuminates the transformative power of embracing uncertainty, following meaning, and celebrating failure.

Listen Now!

Key Themes:

• Dan Klein's journey finding improv: Dan recounts his discovery of improv, highlighting the pivotal role it played in his personal and professional development. (03:09)

• Just Show Up. (09:01)

• Follow Your Inspiration. (09:25)

• Embracing the unpredictability of life's journey (09:45)

• The power of perspective: Dan Klein discusses the power of perspective, emphasizing the choice to view challenges through a positive lens. (13:34)

• The Power of Storytelling: Dan Klein delves into the profound human need for acknowledgment and the transformative impact of storytelling. (17:29, 19:06)

• Show-up while remaining open to the unexpected. (19:43)

• The power of saying yes: Dr. Maria-Christina and Dan Klein discuss the significance of saying "yes" and the role it plays in fostering creativity and collaboration. (21:58, 24:47)

• The power of "Yes, And" (24:45)

• Overcoming Self-Judgment: Dan Klein explores the detrimental effects of self-judgment and the importance of creating a supportive environment for idea generation. (26:04, 27:14)

• Failure and Imperfection: Celebrating Failure: Dan Klein advocates for embracing failure as an opportunity for growth and innovation, challenging societal norms surrounding success and failure. (28:03, 29:43) Reframing Failure: Dr. Maria-Christina and Dan Klein delve into the concept of reframing failure as an opportunity for creative exploration and self-discovery. (30:24) Embracing Imperfection: Dan Klein encourages individuals to embrace imperfection and adopt a mindset of exploration and curiosity. (31:35, 33:13)

• The audience is way more on your side: Dr. Maria-Christina and Dan Klein explore the profound impact of authenticity and vulnerability in connecting with an audience and fostering genuine human connection. (36:45, 38:52)

References made in this episode:

• More about Dan Klein: wcnworkshops.com, https://www.gsb.stanford.edu/faculty-research/faculty/dan-m-klein

• Keith Johnstone:

• Improv Wisdom, by Patricia Ryan Madson

• The Failure Bow: Matt Smith at TEDxBellevue:

In this Meaning vs. Merit episode, I had the privilege of sitting down with Dr. Michael Tompkins, a renowned psychologist and author. We explored the complexities of hustle culture and how to find meaning in a world where economic pressures often push us to go harder, faster, and further. Here are some key takeaways from our conversation.

The Role of Hustle

We started by talking about hustle culture—a concept many of us are familiar with. Dr. Tompkins shared his thoughts on hustle, emphasizing that while hard work is valuable, it’s crucial to approach it with flexibility. He explained that one of the keys to long-term success is hustling across different areas of life. “If you hustle relative to only one value,” he warned, “then if something happens relative to the situation, you are stuck.”

This was a powerful insight. Many of us might place all our value into one area—career success, for instance—but what happens when that career takes a downturn? The flexibility Dr. Tompkins talks about is essential. It’s about not just hustling for the sake of hustle, but understanding the different values that make up our identity. When we hustle for a greater purpose—whether it's family, personal growth, or something else meaningful—the work itself becomes more sustainable.

Connecting Hustle to Deeper Values

Dr. Tompkins also highlighted an important point: hustle isn't always about the money. For many, it’s about something deeper, like taking care of loved ones or contributing to a cause they believe in. When you connect your hustle to a meaningful purpose, it transforms the grind into something that feels less exhausting and more rewarding.

“Think about why you hustle,” he urged. “If you’re hustling to take care of your family, it’s not just about paying the bills—it’s about serving something far greater than yourself.”

When Hustle Feels Meaningless

There are moments when we feel drained by the very hustle we once thrived in. Dr. Tompkins provided some advice for those moments of burnout: reframe the way you view the hustle. Instead of focusing on the external rewards, consider the internal values it serves. “What are you really serving by working so hard?” he asked. Reflecting on this can help reignite a sense of meaning when the grind feels overwhelming.

Finding Meaning Beyond the Hustle

Dr. Tompkins also touched on the importance of flexibility when pursuing merit. In his experience, those who are willing to explore different paths often find greater satisfaction. He acknowledged that many people feel pressure to “find their passion,” but pointed out that meaning doesn’t have to come from a singular passion—it can come from the choices we make along the way.

Ultimately, he suggested that we should not view our careers or hustle as isolated events but rather as pieces of a larger picture that includes family, relationships, and personal growth. As we navigate the demands of life, it’s essential to make room for those other areas that bring us meaning.

Advice for Young People: Embrace Regret as a Signal

As we wrapped up the conversation, I asked Dr. Tompkins for advice for young people who are trying to balance meaning and merit in their lives. He emphasized the importance of recognizing and learning from regret.

“Regret is a signal,” he explained. “It’s not about dwelling on the past but using that signal to help you make better decisions moving forward.” For young people, this insight is especially valuable as they navigate the inevitable ups and downs of life and career.

Some Final Thoughts

As we continue to explore the delicate balance between meaning and merit in Meaning vs. Merit, I encourage you to reflect on how you’re balancing these forces in your own life. Are you hustling for a purpose, or simply caught up in the grind? How can you realign your efforts to serve something that brings you deeper fulfillment? These are the questions that can help guide your path toward a more meaningful life, both professionally and personally.

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Becoming a psychologist was not a departure from this world; in many ways, it was a direct extension of it. Growing up in a politically charged environment, I saw firsthand the extent to which kids, teens, and families struggled behind closed doors. Long before social media, I realized that the public eye was often just smoke and mirrors, masking deeper personal and interpersonal turmoil underneath.

I have also always had a natural inclination to find common ground rather than division, to mediate rather than fight. Understanding people has always come easily to me.

These days, I find myself deeply seeking to understand so much of the human behavior on display in today’s current events. Why do people who seem similar in many fundamental ways think so differently and feel such animosity toward each other? What drives the psychology of various industry and political leaders whose values and behaviors feel so unfamiliar to me? Why have so many moments of late deeply unsettled me? How can I process them in a way that helps me regain my footing? And how do I want to respond?

Something about this moment—psychologically, sociologically, culturally, globally—has completely captured my attention. The rapidly changing world has left me feeling unmoored at times, and psychology has been my anchor in making sense of it.

Beyond understanding, I also feel a deep instinct to equip my children, clients, and their families to thrive in this rapidly changing world. I want them to be adaptable and resilient, even if we end up in far harsher or worse circumstances.

As a parent and a psychologist, I am eager to identify and share the skills, traits, qualities, values, etc. that I think will be helpful to instill in my children and help my clients and their families. Because while we cannot control life, we can develop the strength and ingenuity it takes to handle whatever comes.

Thus, some of our newsletter will be devoted to discussing these skills, traits, qualities, values, etc. It may not seem clearly related to Special, however striving to be Special in the eyes of others can foster tendencies and traits (e.g., inflexibility, rigidity, over-control) that can trip us up when the rug is pulled out from under our feet. And striving to develop a life one finds Special must be done within context – including within our community, culture, and world. So for my international psychologist brain, the two go hand-in-hand.

I welcome your thoughtful input as well. A shared community can be powerful, and finding each other and our common ground is very needed right now. I hope you will subscribe, join our community, and help us all strengthen together.

We hear the phrase "self-care" all the time—on social media, in wellness circles, even in corporate settings. But in 2025, what does it actually mean to take care of yourself? Is it a bubble bath after a stressful day? A strict morning routine? Or something deeper?

In the latest episode of our podcast, Selves Unedited, Dr. Danielle Colborn and I break down the evolving meaning of self-care in today’s fast-paced, high-pressure world.

Here are a few themes we discuss:

• Setting boundaries is essential for maintaining mental health.

• Navigating discomfort is a crucial aspect of self-care.

• Intentions and goals should align with personal values.

• Moderation is key to avoiding an all-or-nothing mindset.

• Embracing imperfection can lead to personal growth.

• Holistic health encompasses physical, mental, and emotional well-being.

• Authenticity fosters deeper connections in relationships.

• Mindfulness can help reduce anxiety and improve focus.

• Self-care is about living fully and loving oneself.

True self-care isn’t about achieving perfection. It’s about building a life that supports your well-being—mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Listen to the full episode here and let us know - what does self-care mean to you?

And remember how special you are – just as you are.

Our busy, distracted lives blind us from the subtle yet profound influence this world is having on us. The constant messages that we’re not enough – not doing enough, producing enough, trying enough, wealthy enough, pretty enough, thin enough, funny enough, sexy enough, special enough.

So pause with me for a moment. Pause long enough not just to reflect on how our companies are building empires on making us feel we’re not enough unless we buy their product or narrative. Pause long enough to consider the possibility that you are enough – lovable, likeable, desirable, worthy, ambitious, excellent successful – just as you are.

Without proving it to anyone. Without anyone’s validation. Without a position or salary or bank account or relationship to justify it. Do you even remember what it’s like to exist without constantly trying to prove, to yourself and others, that you’re special?

That’s what we’re here to do. To remind each other, and ourselves.

Some of these posts will be more academic, others more heartfelt. All are there to shed some light on all the ways our lives and institutions can blind us and made us forget. They’re meant to help you remember, to remind those around us, to make sure our children don’t forget - just how special we all are.

As I work individually to help people shift their attitudes and behaviors, we inevitably come-up against the pull of the American society - to be better, thinner, prettier, wealthier…to achieve more accolades and gain more status. When our sessions end, this is where I find my thoughts: pondering how these social pressures drive the very behaviors we are working so hard to manage.

These thoughts have been the impetus for my recent launch of a podcast exploring our drive for Meaning Vs Merit, and how to balance the two. They have also propelled me to start this Substack newsletter, aimed at exploring America’s social structures underlying our drive to achieve more status and merit so that we can stand out as special.

Thinking deeply - about life, others, how we can move through life with more meaning and connection - has always been my passion. It’s an integral part of my therapy and teaching, and it fills most of my moments in-between.

And as a psychologist, teacher, and also parent, understanding the social drivers that are hurting our mental health is too important a topic to not think deeply about.

I hope you will join me on this journey.

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